1. Characterized by kindness and warm courtesy.
2. Characterized by tact and propriety: responded to the insult with gracious humor.
3. Of a merciful or compassionate nature.
4. Condescendingly courteous; indulgent.
5. Characterized by charm or beauty; graceful.
6. Characterized by elegance and good taste: gracious living.
7. Archaic Enjoying favor or grace; acceptable or pleasing.

So, to sum it up….

Bridezilla said that:

-I am a disgrace to what friendship she thought we had
-I am ruining what should be the best night out with her friends
-She is furious with my actions
-I am not the type of person she wants in her life
-I sound foolish
-I’m not acting like a friend
-I look like a fool
-Everyone has expressed their feelings of disliking me
-She doesn’t want this drama at her wedding
-This isn’t the “first time” she’s heard about my attitude
-I’m snarky and snappy
-I’m not fun to be around
-I’m acting like a crazy person
-I’m upsetting everyone
-I am a fool
-I am sabotaging this event
-I’m pissing her off (and then she congratulated me for it)
-My attitude is nasty
-I’m full of self-pity
-She thinks I should “Apologize to the friend who so graciously asked me to be part of her wedding” (this perhaps, is my favorite statement)
-I have underlying issues I need to deal with
-I’m sarcastic, nasty and rude
-I’m destroying a friendship over an email and refusal of sending an additional apology

So, should I have stayed in the bachelorette party, and been her bridesmaid?  Am I over reacting by refusing to partake in either?

What are your thoughts and feelings?

No longer a bridesmaid, part 4.

Moments before I sent the 2nd email out, I started getting a ton of texts from Bridezilla.  I hit “send” before I checked the texts, because I knew impending doom was about to hit my poor phone.  Here is the text version of our convo.  The portion on day one spans 7 hours, the portion on day 2 is only about 30 minutes.

Bridezilla is red, and I am petty, condescending, demanding, pushy, bitchy, snobby, ruining the fun in auto color.


I don’t know what your issue is or why you feel the need to speak to my friends like they are scum but it ends now.
 The way you have been acting is a disgrace to what friendship I thought we had. You are ruining what should be the best night I have out with all of my friends. If you have such issues feel free to walk away. I’ve had enough.
I don’t care if people haven’t given you money in a timely enough manner. There is no excuse to speak to my friends the way you have. You chose to take on the task of being in charge of something. Things will not always go the way you want but it is never ok to speak the way you are. I am furious at your actions.
This is not the type of person I want in my life. You are mad? Deal with it like an adult.

Your words make you sound foolish. You think speaking like that will make people excited for my bachelorette or even want to go?? Get over whatever resentment you have towards whomever and whichever and act like my friend.

Wow. Good job hearing one side of it, and not caring to hear the other. The reason the other girls think I’m being a bitch is that they got the email this am about not getting the checks, but someone else in the party conveniently forgot to forward the other EIGHT I’d sent since June.
Funny that I’m such a horrible person, but when I forwarded the emails from the past 4 months, I got about 10 text messages apologizing and saying it’s understandable.
I’m destroyed that you feel I’m a bad friend. I don’t even know what to say to that. If you don’t want me there, or in the wedding, it’s your big day, and you can decide whatever you want.

This is not about emails that people didn’t get. This is about the way you are addressing my friends. There is no excuse for the way you are speaking to them. I’m sorry that your emails weren’t forwarded but that is no ones issue but your own. You could have asked for email addresses instead of relying on someone else. Again, not the issue I have. Nothing gives you the right to send nasty emails.
Noone CONVENIENTLY forgot to forward your messages.

What was so nasty? I said I hasn’t gotten the checks but From 2 people, that if I didn’t get the checks we’d have to cancel bc I couldn’t afford to pay for it all. I gave 4 different ways to get the checks, even said we could try paypal. Them I get emails verbally attacking me, calling me names, and then you saying what a shitty friend I’m being. And I can show you, not that you care, the emails from both sides.

Perhaps you are not aware of the way your words come out. It was an extremely nasty email. As was the second one you send.

You have already made up your mind how you feel, and there’s no reason to stress you more than you already are. I’ll deposit the two checks I have and forward someone else the information and they can handle it. Don’t worry about me or how others words made me feel. You do what you need to do. I’ll be able to loan someone else my dress if you feel im a nasty bad friend and don’t want me there.

You’re making yourself look like a fool is what you are doing. Peoples checks are in the mail. All you had to do what speak like a decent human being to other people.
And funny you say you have gotten 10 texts from people apologizing because just about everyone coming has expressed their feelings about your emails and they are in no way apologetic.
No one but you said anything about you dropping out of this project or my wedding. My words were- if you have such issues than feel free to walk away.
I do not want this drama surrounding my wedding. These are your words ” and find out if perhaps I was misinformed or had delayed information from a third party, rather than attack someone before I have all of the information needed to make a fair assesment of the situation. “- which is exactly what you did when you clearly accused (all but 2!) people of sending you money.

I need to know now if you want me to be part of this, yes or no. I need an answer soon, please. I leave work in 5 and am headed to get TFL’s suit fitted. If you say no, it’s your day and that’s fine. Well just cancel the fitting and someone else can handle the arrangements for Saturday.

Seriously ?? You make that choice. Stop making this about something else. This is about your actions and nothing else. Stop trying to skirt around that.

Will you answer if I call you?

You are making this about way more than it needs to be. Perhaps you should be spending more thought on how you’ve really been acting and not asking me if I want you in my wedding.
No I’m not anywhere near ready to talk I am also not going to tell you to remove yourself from my wedding. That would be your choice.
Own up to what you have done and stop treating people the way you have been.

I’m not going to type “my side” out via text. If you’re ready to talk, call. Otherwise I don’t know what to tell you. There’s no hidden motive or issue like you’re insisting there is.

This is not the first time I’ve heard about you having an attitude. You showed it to me when you were at my apartment. You were snarky and snappy. I don’t know what my wedding has done to you but it’s turned you into someone not fun to be around. Alrighty then. Keep telling yourself that and maybe it will begin to sound true.

How was I snarky and snappy? I brought scissors, glue and soda, sat on the floor glueing sparkles on place cards, ate a slice of pizza, smoked a cigarette outside, did as much as I could, then went home to do homework and a test.
How was that less than what you wanted from me?

If you can’t see it then nothing I say will make you see yourself. I’m done Enjoy your night

Your wedding, your call. Do you want me at the bachelorette and wedding or not. I need to hear it from you. Yes or no.

Seriously. Stop asking me that. You do what you fucking want!
What I want it for you to stop acting like a crazy person!
Again, I’m done with this conversation!!!

Arie, I asked you to be in my wedding for a reason. I did not ask for this drama. There is no reason you can’t interact with the rest of them without upsetting everyone. All I’m asking is for you to be kind. That should not be an issue.

Really? What were the reasons for asking me?
Was it the disgrace I bring, or the fact I’m a dramatic fool?
Perhaps it’s that I have some deep underlying issue and I’m ruining your big day? Why is it that you’d want a miserable person like me around for your wedding?
If I’m no fun to be around and you don’t need people like me in your life, why did you ask me to be in your wedding? Arguments happen in life, especially after 22 years.
But to take the time to articulate such soul crushing things, you must really feel that way.

Your actions since then have caused me thinking that way.
 Thank you most greatly from the bottom of my heart for making this all about your feelings and nothing about the issue I brought to you. Keep on going.
Because the truth is, I’m getting married next Saturday and your actions will not lessen that for me. The only one who looks like a fool tonight is you.

This could have stopped with a simple apology but you had to continue. You seem to want to sabotage this for yourself. I will have a blast Saturday and so will everyone else. No matter how you decide to conduct yourself.

I’m sorry you feel that way, I am. I’m not sure what I did at the bridal shower which caused people to say I had an attitude. I’m still not sure what I did at your apartment that was less than what you wanted. While I can understand people may not take kindly to being asked to pay the bill they promised to pay, it had to be said.
Maybe not how they would have liked, and I did apologize if I hurt their feelings inadvertently. If asking people to pay their share is wrong, perhaps I should have never suggested something like this, that we could all participate in with out feeling ashamed or awkward.

Never said anything about the shower. Maybe there was something there that you know about? AGAIN, it is not about asking for money. IT’S THE WAY YOU SPEAK TO PEOPLE.

I don’t think I can be any clearer.
And if your goal was to piss me off, it’s working. No one else has seemed to be able to do this but congratulations.

Yes Bridezilla, that was my goal for the last 10 months, to be in your wedding so I could piss you off. So impressed it worked.

Again, skirting around the issue
You have such a talent for that
I saw your attitude, in the way that you spoke to me at my apartment and at the way you are speaking to me now. It’s nasty and not what I need 11 days before I get married.
You say it wasn’t your goal to piss me off so why continue? Why continue to send self pitying texts and ask me if I still want you in my wedding? Why not drop it an hour ago?
You continue on and on and on. It’s time for you to stop!
You proved that you’re great at arguing! Awesome! You should be great at apologizing to your “friend of 22 years” 11 days before her wedding that she so graciously asked you to be apart of.

You have it in your head I’m evil and unwanted, which is fine if that’s how you truly feel. I keep going on and on, because you refuse to speak with me, and would rather say horrible heartbreaking things through text than speak with me like friends should. Dont take anything I’ve said as self pity, I’ve not dropped a single of iota of pity. Rather, I’m shocked at the way you’re calling names and saying hateful things. And you say *I* should be ashamed?

Not one drop of pity, eh? That’s hilarious.

I’ve said my apology in email, if it wasn’t good enough for them, I’m not sure anything I say will be. You’ve made it clear I’m not the friend you asked to be in your wedding months ago. Why dont you just make it official, Bridezilla?

Why don’t you stop texting me like I’ve asked several times. I have more important things to deal with then sit here and play these games with you. If you don’t want to be in my wedding then don’t. I’m not going to ask that 11 days out. And YOU shouldn’t be asking that of me.
Again. Not about you.
And “evil and unwanted”? Those are your words not mine.
Seems like maybe you are the one with the underlying issues here.

I cannot and will not speak to you unless what you have to say is “I’m sorry for how I’m acting”
Like I said, this all could have been avoided with a simple apology in the beginning. EVEN, if for some reason you didn’t think you should give one.
That’s what being a friend is.
Your apology to the other ladies was not an apology. It was sarcastic and filled with even more nasty and ride words. I’m not sure where the apology was in there.

It’s pointless to even say that perhaps we should all apologize, me for the way I said things, others for not forwarding emails (I had asked for their emails on multiple occasions and resorted to asking her to forward, which she said she was), and even you for the things you’ve said to me today.
More than likely, no one will apologize and realize they’ve done wrong. If I apologize and explain, amanda will feel I’m pointing the finger. If I don’t apologize, nothing gets corrected. To be quite honest, an apology doesn’t erase the ugly things that were said.

The difference is I said things out of need, impatience and time sensitivity. Things were said directly to, or about me, that were just hurtful. Mainly what you’ve said. Anyone else? I don’t care and will never see them again. But you? You said things that won’t be forgotten.

I’m not really hurt what these hurtful things are that you speak of? These words that won’t be forgotten. I’ve been honest with you about how I feel and honestly feel a little like I’m in junior high going in circles with you.
If you don’t want to apologize that’s on you.

Well, I’ve apologized once in general regardless of it was a “good enough” apology or not. I’ve apologized in private to several.
You feel no need to apologize, so that pretty much sums it up for me. Good night.

(next day)

So I hear you no longer want to be a part of my wedding. It would be adult of you to perhaps let me know so I can make alternate arrangements.

You’d like to discuss acting like an adult? Perhaps it would have been adult like to answer my calls and discuss things, rather than make hurtful comments and refuse to speak with me.
As far as stepping down from the wedding, I’ve been sitting at my desk since 3:59 trying to write an email to you (since you refuse to speak with me) letting you know how very heartbroken I am that our friendship has come to this over a miscommunicated email.
Can you even question, after the things you text me yesterday, why I would feel that I’m not wanted to be there with you? You made it perfectly clear to me how you felt. Why would I go stand by your side when I’m considered to be a bad friend, a disgrace, not a fun person to be around, and all around an unpleasant person?
Everything I did, was for you. I helped out w the shower, helped glue place cards, and tried to organize this part of your bachelorette so that *all* of your friends could be with you, not just those who are comfortable in strip clubs and bars.
Still? It’s not enough, done the right way, or I didn’t seem happy enough.
If you don’t see I did all of this for YOU, that makes me very sad.
What makes me even more sad is the way you spoke AT me, rather than with me, the very hurtful things you said, and gave the impression that our friendship means nothing. That destroyed a large part of me.
I’m sorry if I I’ve upset you with the email. I’m sorry if I didn’t show enough enthusiasm gluing the sparkles. I’m sorry you are willing to walk away over an email. I really am sorry, but I’m not going to read what you said about me, and feel as though I should be there.

I am not the one walking away. You are. I’m not sure what these words that were so horrible I said to you. Please show me.
You hear what you want to hear and you blame everyone but yourself. You are the one that is destroying a friendship over an email. Not me. If you can’t see that, I don’t know what else to do.
Maybe in a few years you will realize. Maybe not. Who knows. You have taken what could have been a simple apology and move on all the way to a 10. You are the one who continuously brought up whether or not you would be in my wedding. Not me.
See it however you want to bc it’s apparent that you refuse to see it any other way. And I destroyed you? You have decided to stop out of my wedding 10 days before. On your own.
If that is your decision, then so be it. I would hope you would take a few days to realize how ridiculous and unnecessary that is but if in the end you feel you have no other choice then all I ask is for you to simply tell me.

No longer a bridesmaid, part 3

I hit ‘reply all’ and send this email back.  I like to call this my “professional fuck you” tone.  Apparently, it didn’t go over and prompted even more texts from the bridebitches calling me names and insulting my character.  oops.

It’s unfortunate that several people feel that I am being condescending or demanding.  Given the fact that I sent this email last Tuesday, NOT Friday (Please review the forwarded email, Originally Sent: Tuesday, September 25, 2012 8:34 PM) I’m a bit confused as to why I’m being seen as impatient or pushy. 

It’s been a week since I emailed with my address, which is plenty of time to mail out a single envelope. Also, in regards to my “demanding that you drop what you’re doing and come to West Coxsackie”, I had offered to:
-Meet up with anyone after I get out of work and headed back to the Guilderland area
-Meet up with anyone in West Coxsackie, where I work
-Have you drop a check in my mailbox, if after 6pm doesn’t work for you
-Send PayPal funds, so you don’t have to go anywhere.

If your feelings were hurt that I had asked for you to mail your portion of the payment to me a week ahead of time, and you still feel that I’m being “unfair”, “condescending”, “petty” and “demanding” then I sincerely apologize. I only hope that when each of you realizes that it’s been a week, and not two days, that you apologize too, for the name calling and playing the blame game.

In regards to sending cash, I personally feel that’s a bad choice, unless you intend to go to the post office and get it sent return receipt requested, or delivery confirmation.  I’m not home for 16 hours a day between work and school, and can’t be held responsible for what’s happening to my mail box when I’m not there.  A money order wouldn’t be able to be cashed with out my ID, so that may be a better way to go.  But then again, I don’t want to seem too “pushy”, so you can each decide what is best for you.

For the two people who managed to get their check to me on Thursday, and on Saturday (which is funny, because the one Thursday must have been teleported since I apparently didn’t send my address until the next day?) THANK YOU!

For the person who paypal’ed me this afternoon, and followed up with a text – THANK YOU, TOO!

For everyone else who pointed their fingers or called Bridezilla to tell her how ___ (fill in the blank with insulting term) I am, or felt the need to hit “reply all” and throw me under a bus when I don’t deserve it- I’d like to say “thank you” to you as well. It’s actions like these that make me strive to be a better person, and find out if perhaps I was misinformed or had delayed information from a third party, rather than attack someone before I have all of the information needed to make a fair assesment of the situation.


Date: Tue, 25 Sep 2012 20:34:59 -0400

No longer a bridesmaid, part 3 (Bridalbitches response)

After my email below was sent, here are two of the responses that arrived in my inbox:


“In all fairness, this email is a bit condescending.

FIRST of all, we ONLY received the email on Friday with an address. Even if we were able to put a check out the moment we read it, it wouldn’t be picked up til Saturday and there’s no mail service on Sundays. So how would it even get to you by Monday?
And anyone keeping up with the news, knows mail service is significantly slower than ever due to layoffs, distribution centers closing, and Post Offices merging.
On Friday, I worked both jobs back to back. I put my check out in the mail on Saturday.
It is on its way to be delivered to you. As I’m sure several other people”s checks are.
Also, “as of today” is really only “as of yesterday” because I’m sure your Tuesday mail hasn’t been delivered yet.
I do hope it arrives to you today. But I did my best.
I would have contacted us each individually, before assuming we hadn’t put checks in the mail or demanding we meet up with you today.
Sent from my iPhone”
Then, MoH chimed in and sent this:
OK!  PLEASE let me start off by clarifying one thing, this original email did NOT come from me.  This if from ARIE who is in charge of the DDK event.  I am under the impression that you all think this came from me and that is simply not correct.  Also, Dee is aware of the email.  Some people were so upset by this that they vented to her, which is fine.  Dee is very disappointed in how this went down.  She is not happy.
I agree that this is very petty and the email was condescending and demanding. 
On the flip side of things, Arie, I do understand your frustration and anxiety about not having the money. You did put down the deposit and we still owe alot.  I do think you could have gone about this in a different manner.  I find it ridiculous to demand that we drop everything we are doing to drive all the way to coxsaki to bring you the money.
SO, how do we fix this problem?  I think it would be best, Arie if you dont agree, please let me know, that we all send cash if possible so there is no waiting for checks to be cleared.  I will send this out either tonight or first thing in the morning.  I do have a check from Sarah that i received at the Bridal shower, since you didnt want to take them then.  Which would have avoided all this if you did.  So i will send you cash from me and sarahs check.  I do feel bad that you are put in this situation and am sorry that this has happened. You will get the money….there is no need to cancel.”

No longer a bridesmaid – part 2

After sending various renditions of the previous email since June, and getting no response from anyone except for 2 checks in the mail, I sent this email:


“Good morning ladies,
As of today, Tuesday October 02 – I have received checks from TWO of the 11 ladies attending the Different Drummers Kitchen portion of Bridezilla’s bachelorette party.
The price is $45.43 per person, which includes a portion towards Bridezilla’s ticket. The requested date for me to have gotten the check was YESTERDAY (so that I could deposit all of the checks today, have them clear by Friday, and write one check for DDK for the balance due)
I need each one of you (aside from the 2 checks I’ve gotten) to MEET ME and hand me the check so that I can deposit them and write a single check to DDK, as was discussed multiple times through email.  (See emails dated: 09/25, 09/04, 08/20, 08/01, 07/13, 07/11, 06/30, 06/26)-OR-  I will need everyone (Less the two who have paid) to make arrangements to either meet me after work today (10/02), go to my house and put the check in an envelope in my mailbox (see prior emails for address), meet me near my work (West Coxsackie, 12192) or send me a paypal payment (email me for my paypal name) TODAY, TUESDAY 10/02.
Seriously ladies, I will cancel tomorrow (10/03) if I don’t have everyone’s check.  I’ve already put a $110 deposit down, they have my credit card number, and will bill me in full regardless of who attends and if they’ve paid their share.
You wouldn’t want this to happen to YOU, so please don’t make it happen to ME!
My cell number is: 518-867-5309

I’m no longer a bridesmaid, and here’s the dramatic reasons why:

I planned a portion of my “best friend’s” bachelorette party.  This is the friend I’ve known since the first day of 2nd grade – about 22 years now.  She chose to have a different friend of hers be her maid of honor.  At first, I was crushed.  Then I came to realize that it’s HER wedding, and HER choice, and I would do anything I could to make her happy.  Her MoH decided to plan a bachelorette party which involved going to a bar, then to another bar, then to a gentleman’s club to watch female strippers, then to a dance club, then “wherever the night takes us!”  I wrote a nice little email saying we should do something to include plans for those who don’t drink, or aren’t comfortable in a strip club.  After much drama, the MoH agreed (and trash talked me to everyone else in the party.)

I had been emailing everyone in the bridal party the same bit of info (set in italics below) since June 24th, 2012.  I sent the message once a month, then twice a month, then once a week in the last 4 weeks.  Not a single person responded to the emails, and not a single person had sent their portion of the total due, by the due date.  (To be posted later).

Hello Ladies!

(MoH, can you please forward this email to all of the ladies who are attending the Different Drummer’s Kitchen portion of the night?  I don’t believe I have all of their emails, as I originally wrote them from my phone.  There should be 10 ladies going, not including Bridezilla, for a grand total of 11, correct?)

(Boring Billing Stuff)

We are reserved for our cooking class on Saturday, October 06th from 6.30pm-9.00pm.  The address is:

A Different Drummers Kitchen
1475  Bridezilla Avenue

The cost including tax will be $45.43 for each person, which includes tax, calculated by the 10 going (and this price includes everyone’s share of Bridezilla’s ticket!)

To keep things simple, I need the checks on October 01st (Which is in SIX DAYS!). This way I can do one deposit, and keep track of everyone to make sure I’ve not forgotten any lovely ladies!

The address to send the checks is:

Arie the apparent drama queen
Her own little island

(Fun Decorating Stuff!)

We are able to decorate the kitchen where we’ll be cooking – I have the purple and white banner still, and am trying to figure out how to reuse it with out it looking like doodoo.   Also, I have the dangly ring things which we put on the gift table at the shower.  I’ll stop this week and dig through storage to see what other decorations I have, and probably stop at target (or something similar) to get some new fresh ideas too.

I know we’re all running low on funds and have the holidays creeping up, so I have no issues with picking up some more stuff to decorate with – just don’t get your hopes up – picture a step above macaroni art, and a giant friggin leap down from the bridal shower.  I’ll aim for somewhere in the middle of those ;)

(My .02)

In regards to the wine bar – either way is fine with me :)  If we settle on before, I’ll take my own car so that I can leave a bit early to decorate the kitchen.  If anyone else would like to leave a bit early to help me decorate, you’re more than welcome to ride with me to the wine bar, then DDK and I could even drop you off after (if you’re not going along for the wild girls night, that is!).

Thanks Ladies!  Everything sounds great!


The past 72 hours

Left my house 09/27/2012 to head to DC at 7:00 am.

Got to DC on 09/27/2012 at 6:00 pm.  (11 hr drive)

Went to hospital until 9pm, at which point the ICU kicked us out. (3 hours in hospital)

Stayed in icky hotel close to hospital from 9.30 pm to 8.30 pm.  Fell asleep at 12, woke up at 5. (30 min drive to hotel) (5 hours sleep)

Arrived at hospital 9.00 am on 09/28/2012, stayed until 9.00 pm, when ICU kicked us out. (30 minute drive) (12 hours in hospital)

Stayed in icky hotel close to hospital from 9.30 pm to 8.30 am.  Fell asleep at 2, woke up at 5. (30 minute drive)  (3 hours sleep)

Packed remaining items from icky hotel back into the car (which now has a dent and scratch in it from someone in the hospital parking garage).

Arrived at hospital at 9am, left at 12.30 to head back to NY.(30 minute drive) (3.5 hours in hospital)

Left DC on 09/29/2012 to head back to NY at 12.30.  Arrived home at 9pm.  (8.5 hours driving)

Arrived home, wrote a homework assignment in a delirious state, will be surprised if I passed.  Went to bed at 11pm, woke up at 10 am (11 hours sleep)

Total drive time: 21.5 hours
Total hospital time: 21.5 hours
Total sleep time: 19 hours
Total time wasted in the hotel: 10 hours



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